We are so very sorry, there is little we can do... (tiedyed06) wrote,
We are so very sorry, there is little we can do...

WAR EAGLE! (i found this funny)

"Your enemies' shields are red; their uniforms are crimson" - Nahum 2:3

"Sixty minutes." - Patrick Fain Dye

Unless you have been living in a cave, high atop Sand Mountain, blindfolded with your fingers in your ears, you probably know that the Iron Bowl is this Saturday. If you have been living in a cave, FYI, we’re not mad at John Vaughn anymore.

Of all the Iron Bowls ever played, this Saturday’s promises to be o­ne of them. It also promises to be crawling with Alabama fans. If you combine the Tide’s o­n-field success this season, with the increasing number of ’81 Trans Ams for sale in AutoTrader, and the substantial influx of "Played for the Bear" sperm for sale o­n the black market, you can be sure Bama fans are doing all they can to purchase tickets to this year’s game.

For those of us who do not shop at the Dollar Tree, the Iron Bowl is the o­ne time a year we have contact with Alabama fans. Some of you avoid them to the point that you do not recognize them when you see o­ne. Fortunately for you, most will be wearing crimson t-shirts that say "Got Twelve?" I don't know what those shirts mean, but I’m pretty sure they are not talking about teeth.

Of course, not all of them can afford "fancy" t-shirts, but the o­ne thing that unites all Alabama fans, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, they did not attend the University of Alabama. In fact, the three most common types of Alabama fans are…

1. Those who did not attend the University of Alabama.

2. Those who did not attend the University of Alabama, and enjoy the intimacy of goats.

3. Rogue Boosters

However, some Alabama fans did attend the University of Alabama; these fans are employed as unbiased sports journalists in the Birmingham metro area.

The other thing all Alabama fans have in common is the Bear. They all, at o­ne time or another, played for the Bear, drank with the Bear, jumped rope with the Bear, or made sweet, sweet love to the Bear. They just can’t get enough of the Bear. To them he is the definition of class, although they wouldn’t dare let the drunk be a deacon in their church.

And when did their idea of class (pronounced: Klayse) become so skewed? I imagine if you were to open up an Alabama fans head – and I am not for o­ne moment suggesting that you should – you would find the gland they use to determine class has been replaced with a mini-bottle of Jack Daniels. So now, whenever they hear some inebriated man mumbling in a voice reminiscent of Dodge Charger, they think to themselves, "now that man has class."

Speaking of class, does the Alabama band still play Rammer Jammer, the classiest cheer of all time? I ask because the last three times I have seen the Tide in person, they did not get a chance to play it. They did however play their fight song, which to me sounds a lot like circus music. And I guarantee if you surveyed a hundred typical Alabama fans, you’d find that o­nly two of them could tell you the correct lyrics to "Yeah Alabama", but every last o­ne of them will have a watch or key-chain that plays the God-awful song.

But enough about the fans, what really matters is what happens o­n the field. And for the first time in recent memory, both Alabama and Auburn enter the Iron Bowl highly ranked. The Tigers have won 23 of 25, and have improved steadily throughout the season. The Tide comes to Jordan-Hare with a record of 9-1, a vast improvement over last season, when Alabama went 6-6, and o­nly claimed a share of the National Title.

A lot is riding o­n this game for Alabama coach Mike F. Shula. A win over Auburn would give the Tide coach his tenth of the season, proving o­nce and for all that any carbon based life-form can be named head coach of Alabama and win ten games. Unless of course that carbon based life-form partakes in "aggressive sex" with strippers.

I joke about Coach Shula, but the truth is, he reminds me a lot of myself… in the eighth grade. Thankfully for me, the novelty of saying the F-word has long since worn off, and I don’t even know what happened to my gold chain. But I’m glad to see Mike is still living the dream. Tight-roll those jeans for me coach.

Despite his jewelry and foul mouth, Coach Shula has done a remarkable job this season, even with the loss of key players due to injury. In the Florida game, junior receiver Tyrone Protho was lost for the season with a broken leg. Later in the year, Chris Farley impersonator J.B. Closner was also lost for the season with a leg injury.

Starting in Closner’s place has been Taylor Britt, o­ne of the infamous Cullman Britt Brothers, whose skeletal remains will o­ne day single-handedly keep creationism from being taught in our schools

But enough with the jokes, this Iron Bowl marks the last regular season game of Heisman Trophy winner, Brodie Croyle. Croyle, who’s name can be rearranged to spell Icy Beer Drool (as seen here), has had everything from Alabama losses to the state’s obesity ranking blamed o­n his injuries. But with a win o­n Saturday, Croyle’s injuries will be forgotten, and his name and mullet will be placed along side other Alabama greats, like Namath, Stabler, and Scissum.

So stay classy Tide fans, and click here if you and your goat need some mood music.

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