"Your enemies' shields are red; their uniforms are crimson" - Nahum 2:3
"Sixty minutes." - Patrick Fain Dye
Unless
you have been living in a cave, high atop Sand Mountain, blindfolded
with your fingers in your ears, you probably know that the Iron Bowl is
this Saturday. If you have been living in a cave, FYI, we’re not mad at
John Vaughn anymore.
Of all the Iron Bowls ever played, this
Saturday’s promises to be one of them. It also promises to be crawling
with Alabama fans. If you combine the Tide’s on-field success this
season, with the increasing number of ’81 Trans Ams for sale in AutoTrader, and
the substantial influx of "Played for the Bear" sperm for sale on the
black market, you can be sure Bama fans are doing all they can to
purchase tickets to this year’s game.
For those of us who do not
shop at the Dollar Tree, the Iron Bowl is the one time a year we have
contact with Alabama fans. Some of you avoid them to the point that you
do not recognize them when you see one. Fortunately for you, most will
be wearing crimson t-shirts that say "Got Twelve?" I don't know what
those shirts mean, but I’m pretty sure they are not talking about teeth.
Of
course, not all of them can afford "fancy" t-shirts, but the one thing
that unites all Alabama fans, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background, is that, they did not attend the
University of Alabama. In fact, the three most common types of Alabama
fans are…
1. Those who did not attend the University of Alabama.
2. Those who did not attend the University of Alabama, and enjoy the intimacy of goats.
3. Rogue Boosters
However, some Alabama fans did attend the University of Alabama; these fans are employed as unbiased sports journalists in the Birmingham metro area.
The
other thing all Alabama fans have in common is the Bear. They all, at
one time or another, played for the Bear, drank with the Bear, jumped
rope with the Bear, or made sweet, sweet love to the Bear. They just
can’t get enough of the Bear. To them he is the definition of class,
although they wouldn’t dare let the drunk be a deacon in their church.
And
when did their idea of class (pronounced: Klayse) become so skewed? I
imagine if you were to open up an Alabama fans head – and I am not for
one moment suggesting that you should – you would find the gland they
use to determine class has been replaced with a mini-bottle of Jack
Daniels. So now, whenever they hear some inebriated man mumbling in a
voice reminiscent of Dodge Charger, they think to themselves, "now that
man has class."
Speaking of class, does the Alabama band still
play Rammer Jammer, the classiest cheer of all time? I ask because the
last three times I have seen the Tide in person, they did not get a
chance to play it. They did however play their fight song, which to me
sounds a lot like circus music. And I guarantee if you surveyed a
hundred typical Alabama fans, you’d find that only two of them could
tell you the correct lyrics to "Yeah Alabama", but every last one of them will have a watch or key-chain that plays the God-awful song.
But
enough about the fans, what really matters is what happens on the
field. And for the first time in recent memory, both Alabama and Auburn
enter the Iron Bowl highly ranked. The Tigers have won 23 of 25, and
have improved steadily throughout the season. The Tide comes to
Jordan-Hare with a record of 9-1, a vast improvement over last season,
when Alabama went 6-6, and only claimed a share of the National Title.
A lot is riding on this game for Alabama coach Mike F. Shula. A
win over Auburn would give the Tide coach his tenth of the season,
proving once and for all that any carbon based life-form can be named
head coach of Alabama and win ten games. Unless of course that carbon
based life-form partakes in "aggressive sex" with strippers.
I
joke about Coach Shula, but the truth is, he reminds me a lot of
myself… in the eighth grade. Thankfully for me, the novelty of saying
the F-word has long since worn off, and I don’t even know what happened
to my gold chain. But I’m glad to see Mike is still living the dream.
Tight-roll those jeans for me coach.
Despite his jewelry and foul
mouth, Coach Shula has done a remarkable job this season, even with the
loss of key players due to injury. In the Florida game, junior receiver
Tyrone Protho was lost for the season with a broken leg. Later in the
year, Chris Farley impersonator J.B. Closner was also lost for the
season with a leg injury.
Starting in Closner’s place has been
Taylor Britt, one of the infamous Cullman Britt Brothers, whose
skeletal remains will one day single-handedly keep creationism from
being taught in our schools
But enough with the jokes, this Iron
Bowl marks the last regular season game of Heisman Trophy winner,
Brodie Croyle. Croyle, who’s name can be rearranged to spell Icy Beer
Drool (as seen here),
has had everything from Alabama losses to the state’s obesity ranking
blamed on his injuries. But with a win on Saturday, Croyle’s injuries
will be forgotten, and his name and mullet will be placed along side
other Alabama greats, like Namath, Stabler, and Scissum.
So stay classy Tide fans, and click here if you and your goat need some mood music.
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At school...
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